sleeping

sleeping has been really hard lately I used to need minimum 7 pillows to sleep, but slowly I hae gotten that down to 3 minimum. Lately I have been sleeping horridly and now I am back up to needing 5 pillows. 2 for my head (one being a moldable down pillow) One for my shoulders in front of me to wrap around, then one to support my back, one for my legs. I still don't sleep well. Dang back! I toss and turn all night long and hardly get any sleep. Since I do not have work til 7pm I try and try to get that good deep sleep and end up waisting my day away in bed trying to sleep. Maybe I should give up trying to sleep. It is driving me nuts. My back and hip are always bugging me now and when i don't get good sleep I get cranky in life. Hopefully I won't be cranky.

the pain is too much

the pain is too much. I am almost ready to give up. with the help of the back pain I have destroyed friendships and relationships. When it is all too much, when have i hit enough? Tonight I am all alone, in a forgein place I do not know. I am all alone left to my thoughts, with horrid pain invading my body. I want to give up, to go to a world with no pain. But that would cause too much pain for people I love. I am told I am selfish....one day maybe I will believe that and perorm the true act of selfishness. It enters my mind more and more lately. I do not like it. I just want to be loved. Loved with my pain and all. I am a horrible person, a horrible girlfriend and I am tired of being these horrible things. Why did I get dealt this card, I can not handle it anymore. Please make it stop, some one, some where!