sleeping

sleeping has been really hard lately I used to need minimum 7 pillows to sleep, but slowly I hae gotten that down to 3 minimum. Lately I have been sleeping horridly and now I am back up to needing 5 pillows. 2 for my head (one being a moldable down pillow) One for my shoulders in front of me to wrap around, then one to support my back, one for my legs. I still don't sleep well. Dang back! I toss and turn all night long and hardly get any sleep. Since I do not have work til 7pm I try and try to get that good deep sleep and end up waisting my day away in bed trying to sleep. Maybe I should give up trying to sleep. It is driving me nuts. My back and hip are always bugging me now and when i don't get good sleep I get cranky in life. Hopefully I won't be cranky.

the pain is too much

the pain is too much. I am almost ready to give up. with the help of the back pain I have destroyed friendships and relationships. When it is all too much, when have i hit enough? Tonight I am all alone, in a forgein place I do not know. I am all alone left to my thoughts, with horrid pain invading my body. I want to give up, to go to a world with no pain. But that would cause too much pain for people I love. I am told I am selfish....one day maybe I will believe that and perorm the true act of selfishness. It enters my mind more and more lately. I do not like it. I just want to be loved. Loved with my pain and all. I am a horrible person, a horrible girlfriend and I am tired of being these horrible things. Why did I get dealt this card, I can not handle it anymore. Please make it stop, some one, some where!

Poem

Today I feel like a failure,
Today I feel like I have failed.
Failed my loved ones
Failed Myself
Failed my God
Failed everyone else.
My deep sadness has overcome me
I need help, but I can’t do it
Where does one get help?
Where does one start?

I scared my family last night
I called them and could hardly breath
So worked up, so upset, so hurt
But the love in their voice calmed me down
I lay on my floor
curled up in a little ball
If only my back was not fused,
I could curl up a little more
I try for a little more, to be tighter and tighter
Only feeling pain where I don't bend farther
Rocking myself like I am in a rocking chair
trying to clear my mind
Of all the things that are in it.

Abuse,
Medical debt,
Injury,
Hurting heart,
longing to be held
no one comes to my aid
How I wish I could’ve transported
My brother and/or my sister
to give me their amazing hugs of comfort

but alas that could not happen
My stomach is on fire,
My heart beating irregular
I cried myself to sleep
to a dreamless sleep

Today I will try harder,
Try to be a little better
not let these things that hurt me so much
effect me so badly
I just want someone to be there to hold me
To tell me everything will be alright
I want to be numb, but I don’t want to be numb

Today is another day
with the hopes of it being a better day

My Life since the accident...

This is not even close to all the photos or highlights of my life, since breaking my back. I am so glad I made this video, this was for the Aleve Good Moves Contest. Keep your fingers crossed I win the 25,000 dollars to help pay off my medical bills! It shows me Mountainboarding, snowboarding, kiteboarding, kayaking, snowmobiling, enjoying life. All these things I am doing I take aleve to function with. I hate being dependent on something, but I am so greatful it helps me live life! I will watch this movie everytime I start to feel down and like everything is going wrong.

Christopher Reeves

I know he has a much worse injury than myself....but he describes my thoughts so well it is ridiculous. What an amazing man he is, He always gives me strength when I read about him. He had it so much worse than me. Sometimes I wonder why me, why didn't I become paralyzed when I should be. To see how someone who is paralyzed kept such a great attitude and create such a great cause. This video brought tears to my eyes...it is so nice to hear someone feels how I feel sometimes. about the thoughts of the accident, should of, could of, what if...

to be alone or to not be alone...that is the question...

Today is not a good day. I don’t physically really hurt today, but emotionally I do.

I realize that my fused back is who I am. I had a person make lots of comments about my back limitations. Who are people to tell ME…MY limitations?!?! I am over trying to argue with people and trying to tell them I know myself better than them. They say they worry about it and won’t have fun because they are worrying about it. That is BS and I am over it! My back has problems, and it has helped turned me into the person I am today, but it does not define me every day. It does not inhibit me from living and enjoying life. What really hurts the most about it all is people don’t invite me or don’t want to come because I cannot be “hardcore” enough or won’t be doing “hardcore” enough things for them. I hate being the 2^nd person or the last resort person. If the person can’t find people to be “hardcore” with, then they call me. This has happened with lots of people since breaking my back. It sure makes me feel like the lowly of lowliest people in the world. Why do people treat people with a physical aliment so different and they just can’t get over it? It sucks…I hate it, I am over it and I am over it making me feel like less of a person. I am not less of a person for my chronic injury…and I will not be tolerated being treated like it. I will not cause drama with it, but I will not be sad and sit around and feel sorry for myself. I will get up and go do it and do it by myself if I have to. I have done a lot of things by myself since breaking my back and there is not thing that has to change that now. It would be nice to not be along, but maybe that is just my calling in life. So at the start of this blog it was not a good day....but I will turn it into a good day by myself.

Better outlook

I learn this time and time again. To have the best outlook on life. To not get too sad or down on yourself. Somedays it is hard and people think I am super depressed or that I can't take care of myself. But in all reality I can. These are the reasons I hide my feelings from people, if people see my weak moments, they think those moments are always there and always on my mind. But they are not. Everyone is human and everyone can be overwhelmed. Some days I am overwhelmed, but other days I am not. some days I am sad and some days I am not. It does not make me less of a person. So I get myself out of the funk and continue on with life. No fakeness...it is a true step in a positive direction. I am not always positive, but I am more than I am not.