Christopher Reeves

I know he has a much worse injury than myself....but he describes my thoughts so well it is ridiculous. What an amazing man he is, He always gives me strength when I read about him. He had it so much worse than me. Sometimes I wonder why me, why didn't I become paralyzed when I should be. To see how someone who is paralyzed kept such a great attitude and create such a great cause. This video brought tears to my eyes...it is so nice to hear someone feels how I feel sometimes. about the thoughts of the accident, should of, could of, what if...

to be alone or to not be alone...that is the question...

Today is not a good day. I don’t physically really hurt today, but emotionally I do.

I realize that my fused back is who I am. I had a person make lots of comments about my back limitations. Who are people to tell ME…MY limitations?!?! I am over trying to argue with people and trying to tell them I know myself better than them. They say they worry about it and won’t have fun because they are worrying about it. That is BS and I am over it! My back has problems, and it has helped turned me into the person I am today, but it does not define me every day. It does not inhibit me from living and enjoying life. What really hurts the most about it all is people don’t invite me or don’t want to come because I cannot be “hardcore” enough or won’t be doing “hardcore” enough things for them. I hate being the 2^nd person or the last resort person. If the person can’t find people to be “hardcore” with, then they call me. This has happened with lots of people since breaking my back. It sure makes me feel like the lowly of lowliest people in the world. Why do people treat people with a physical aliment so different and they just can’t get over it? It sucks…I hate it, I am over it and I am over it making me feel like less of a person. I am not less of a person for my chronic injury…and I will not be tolerated being treated like it. I will not cause drama with it, but I will not be sad and sit around and feel sorry for myself. I will get up and go do it and do it by myself if I have to. I have done a lot of things by myself since breaking my back and there is not thing that has to change that now. It would be nice to not be along, but maybe that is just my calling in life. So at the start of this blog it was not a good day....but I will turn it into a good day by myself.

Better outlook

I learn this time and time again. To have the best outlook on life. To not get too sad or down on yourself. Somedays it is hard and people think I am super depressed or that I can't take care of myself. But in all reality I can. These are the reasons I hide my feelings from people, if people see my weak moments, they think those moments are always there and always on my mind. But they are not. Everyone is human and everyone can be overwhelmed. Some days I am overwhelmed, but other days I am not. some days I am sad and some days I am not. It does not make me less of a person. So I get myself out of the funk and continue on with life. No fakeness...it is a true step in a positive direction. I am not always positive, but I am more than I am not.

Just get out and do it!

So after popping my hip out pretty bad the other weekend and being forced to lay around and hobble all over the place. I decided I did not want to hobble anymore! I was over hobbling. My hip and back were feeling better so I decided that on Saturday I was going to go up to Lindsay Gardens and do some light Mt. Boarding. It was fun, minus the dog that ran after me and made me crash all over him. But other than that is was good to get out and moving. Made me feel better. I am glad that I really forced myself to stay off my feet all week to heal better. I think it also helped that I taped my hip to help it from popping around. I started taping it around Thursday and I think it really helped it heal faster.

Then I picked up my boyfriend from the airport Sunday and we wanted to go snowboarding. It was snowbird's closing weekend. I was hesitant to hurt my hip, but I did pretty decent. It started to get really sore after a couple hours of being bounced around on the slushy snow, but man did it feel so good!!





It was nice today, the pain did not rule my life that day and I was able to be happy and have fun. Somedays it is not easy to just get out and do it. get out and play and fight through the pain. But sometimes I need to remeber, the pain is always there...so I need to just get out and play!

deep inside

I have pushed all my friends away

I destroy relationship after relationship

When will the pain stop being who I am?

Transforming me into this other being

This person who I do not recognize

But yet I know so well and have grown to hate

People tell me I need help

Need to talk to people about my problems

It will not help, they cannot fix them

They love to self diagnose me

Tell me all the things wrong with me

Google says you might have this, google says that….

But yet none of them tell me what is right with me

So I start to believe maybe I am all wrong.

People tell me I am fake

That when I hurt and put on a smiling face

That I am not being true to myself or other people

But what will my tears and pain benefit someone else

People don’t want that around

People tell me I am a warm person at heart

But that I am cold

They see the potential and that is what keeps them around me

But yet they can only take so much cold

Then they will leave and I will be cold and alone

So then I am left…

Wondering am I fake?

Is there something big wrong with me?

Do I need help?

What is right about me?

The pain consumes me and has taken over my life

I feel out of control, but in control.

More Pain

So I taught mountain boarding for 6 straight hours on Saturday and boy was I exhausted. I was so tired I did not even go and ride myself. Too busy teaching others. When I broke my back I also dislocated my hip. So that is something that really bothers me daily. So anyways back to the story…. So we are bringing things in from the car to the back yard and as I opened the gate and stepped in I stepped into a hole the little dogs upstairs had been digging. My knee locked and my hip buckled out. It hurt pretty good. I did not think too much about it. I have kind of done something like this before, but I was sure not prepared for the pain it was going to bring. Later that night when the swelling and such really kind of started to kick in, so did the stabbing pain. I had to lie on my back to get the lowest amount of this pain. If I turned on my sides the pain intensified excruciatingly. I did not sleep very well. It is a weird thing when your body is exhausted beyond exhaustion and you cannot sleep deep. I get into a weird half sleep where you know what is going on around you, but not, and it is in your dream but not. It is so weird. So that was my past couple nights of sleep. I stayed home from work on Monday…it is so fun to spend PTO time to lie at home doing nothing. I was in and out of sleep all day. So now I get to hobble around for the next week to 2 weeks, while everyone else gets to be out playing in the sunshine. Man…something I just LOVE my life….sarcasm there.

getting frustrated

So last night I took Daisy (the dog) to the park to play with other dogs and do do some mountainboarding. I got to the point where my back was hurting too much to keep mt boarding or even run around with her. I hate when I get to the point where my mind wants to keep going, but my body is saying stop. That is one of the hardest things to have to deal with now. It is something that the mind is not programed to have to deal with at my age. Sometimes my body is saying go, but my mind is saying stop because it is scared. How does one deal with these things and not get frustrated or sad. This is something I have struggled with for almost 3 full years now. So sorry if I get frustrated...now you know why.

social black sheep?

I find myself not fitting in with people like I used to before my injury. I don’t find fun in sitting around gossiping or talking about things that don’t help life progress. Luckily I have a job that is full of people who love to gossip about work things. I find myself secluding myself away more and more everyday. While I do like my job, I can’t say I like all the people I work with. A lot of the people at my work do not like me. Some days I find myself in such deep thought about my life and things that people come over to want to talk and I don’t and they then decide they don’t like me anymore. Passion is what has kept me going these few years. Passion is the reason I can do what I do and recovered as fast I did. It is hard because I know from my back problems it has changed me as a person socially. Never in my life have I really had people not like me…but such is life now. I am sure I do it to myself and I wish I knew how to stop. But at the same time do I want to be part of that all? Part of the drama, the back stabbing, the nit picking, the complaining? Probably not, but it sure sucks to feel like you don’t fit in. Sometimes I really want to curl up under my desk and disappear from it all. Disappear from everyone and their clicks; laughing, going to lunch and having “fun”. Some days it is hard. It feels like I am back in high school…but a high school like on TV….with the “popular” people and so on. You can’t trust people, some you can…it is hard. One day I will figure it all out. Figure out how to handle my thoughts and emotions. To handle the pain and not let it affect me so much on the outside.

I wonder if other people with cronic pain deal with as well. You hurt so you become reserved. Prefer the peacefulness of solitude, but yet it is not as peaceful as you would think.

Babysitting

I have not babysat since hurting my back....well really "Baby" sitting.
I watched my friends little 1 1/2 year old daughter. It was so much fun.
I have always been worried how my back would handle chasing a little one around and picking them up and sitting on the couch with them in my lap reading a book. Leaning over the crib to tucked them into bed.

It went so much better than I expected and did not run into any issues really. I did need to lay down and few times, but that worked out well while we watched "Cars". So I was another challenge I know I can handle now. Nice to know for the future. Getting pregnant and having a kid is something I am always worried about. It makes my mind a little easier on the whole thing.

Better Days

Days have gotten better.
It is crazy the roller-coaster ride the pain gives me.

Yesterday morning It hurt to get out of bed, but I choose yesterday that I was not going to let the pain define my day. I had a good day yesterday. I was productive and had fun. I was not moody and was happy. Though people think I put on a fake face when I am hurting. I would like to say a person can be happy even through pain. Especially when the pain is chronic and something you deal with everyday.

Today. I woke up, with just typical pain, nothing crazy. It has been a nice day. I have not taken any aleeve to manage the pain yet today. It is a good day when I can manage the pain naturally.

My boyfriend is bringing over his dog Daisy for me to have for a few days, to take out walking/hiking and take care of. It is so nice to have a dog when I am feeling good. a companion to go out walking with. Walking makes me stay stronger. It is nice to have a creature that depends on me. Makes me forget about myself for a little bit and gives a bigger cause to my life.

Somedays

I started this blog as a way to get out my feelings, but not leave them private and hidden like normal.

Have them out in the world so some who feels like me sometimes can know they are not alone.
Maybe see there is someone else, see that they are not the only one who feels this way.
As I have good days I will post about them, when I find things that work to keep my happy I will post them. When I have rough days I will write about them. It is so hard to share with people. People do not understand. They just try to fix me, fix everything. It cannot be fixed. I just need to get it all out of my head, get it out in the open and hope that somehow it can help someone else. Hope that I can be part of something more and better. Something more than just myself and my problems.

This is something I struggle with daily, weekly, monthly. Something I deal with every morning when I start to get out of bed and the pain shoots through my body. That first movement that puts pressure on my back. How I handle that moment is how my day will turn out. Positive or negative. To be conquered or to be the conqueror.

I have found myself becoming more and more reserved as time goes on with this injury. Should I seek help? If so what kind of help do I need? Am I depressed or is this post shock syndrome? There is so many things it could be. I search the internet and end up more confused. I randomly give up on the things I love, then I go super gung ho to do them again. Where is the constant? I want some consistency in my life. How, where, when?

My friend always

This is Fuzzy. My brother Ryan gave him to me when I was very young.
He thought he was too cool for him anymore.
This bear has been there for me always, never failing.
He sleeps with me every night, giving my arm and upper back support.
When I do not have him to sleep with, my sleep is never as good.
It was as if he was designed and created just for me, just for this purpose.
When the pain is too much to handle,
I can lay and squeeze him as hard as humanly possible and he never complains
I can cry and cry all over him and he never complains
I can punch him in anger and he never complains
I can tell him all my sadness and he never talks back,
telling me I am stupid and ungrateful.
His soft eyes and caring face let me know I will be ok.
With out him I would feel lost and alone those solo painful nights.
So thank you to my brother who 20+ years ago decided he was too cool.
too cool for the bear that has helped my life so much.

living life with the pain

Lately the pain has been really bad.
It makes life hard to live.
A friend came to me today and said
"why are you so salty?"
If only for a moment I could give you the pain,
you would never dare ask that again.
I do the best I can do,
with what I have been given.

Some days the pain is too tough,
my mind can not function.
The pain radiates to my brain
to every end of my nerves
to the tips of my fingers and toes.
The stabbing pain is so much to bear
but somehow I pull through

The days get better then worse then better
a constant roller coaster my life will be
Some days it is hard to be happy
but one day I will accept my life
not let the pain bring me down so low
How great that day will be,
the day I can truly smile on a painful day.



A rad poem about Diabetes, but I feel it can be related to other people with chronic illness or pain