deep inside

I have pushed all my friends away

I destroy relationship after relationship

When will the pain stop being who I am?

Transforming me into this other being

This person who I do not recognize

But yet I know so well and have grown to hate

People tell me I need help

Need to talk to people about my problems

It will not help, they cannot fix them

They love to self diagnose me

Tell me all the things wrong with me

Google says you might have this, google says that….

But yet none of them tell me what is right with me

So I start to believe maybe I am all wrong.

People tell me I am fake

That when I hurt and put on a smiling face

That I am not being true to myself or other people

But what will my tears and pain benefit someone else

People don’t want that around

People tell me I am a warm person at heart

But that I am cold

They see the potential and that is what keeps them around me

But yet they can only take so much cold

Then they will leave and I will be cold and alone

So then I am left…

Wondering am I fake?

Is there something big wrong with me?

Do I need help?

What is right about me?

The pain consumes me and has taken over my life

I feel out of control, but in control.